I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize