I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize