Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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