you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
