Don't you send me to vm
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize