i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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