There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
