Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
