is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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