you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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