At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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