Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
