i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
