i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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