I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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