I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
