On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
