I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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