I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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