I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize