So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
FUCK WHALES
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