did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
