oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
