I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
