do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
