Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
