When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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