Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
