He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize