You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
