Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
