I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
