Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
