i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
