Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I supernannyed him into submission
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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