yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
