i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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