The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
