If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
