What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
