dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
