I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
