He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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