Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize