You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
