I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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