im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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