OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
