I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
