My liver just broke up with me...
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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