just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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