The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
