I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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