I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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