Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
