My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
