Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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