I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Randomize
