The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
