sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
