A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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