Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
