Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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