Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
