the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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