I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize