I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
