make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
